Daft Things People Ask For in Record Shops

GENUINE THINGS PEOPLE HAVE ASKED FOR IN RECORD SHOPS

HAVE YOU GOT?

• The song about the trans-sexual who nearly misses the train - Last Train to Trans-Central by KLF
• An album by Greg Orian called Chants
• The Jammy Rocker –Jamiroquai
• Charley Farley, he is a ‘ragu’ artist –Bob Marley
• A copulation album – The shop suggested ‘Songs for Swinging Lovers’ by Frank Sinatra (I guess they were after a compilation album)
• The ‘I’m arsehole, man’ song – I’m a Soul Man by Sam & Dave
• My grand-daughter is a big fan of The Mad Donna, do you stock her CDs?
• Reg Zeppelin
• Ron Maiden
• Black Eyed Beans
• Justin Beaver
• Phil Spectrums Wall of Sound
• Ron Skibbit – Bronski Beat
• Marsha Cup – All Shook up by Elvis Presley
• Seasick Dick
• Alvin Sawdust
• Bill Nelson’s Red Nose
• Hey Dude by The Beatles
• Paul O’Tinny (not an Irish crooner but Paolo Nutini
• Ralph Harris
• Gladys Knight and the Pimps
• Richard Claydermouse
• The Phenomenal Handicap Band - The Phenomenal Hand Clap Band
• Polaroid by Black Sabbath
• Layla by Eric and the Dominoes
• Dr Hook and the Medicine Chest
• Dennis Rissole –Demis  Roussos
• Avro Prat – Famous Estonian composer Arvo Part
• Frank Gillis – Vangellis
• Ernie Stubbs – Ernest Tubb
• Bob Miller – If you have not heard of him he is the guy with the dreadlocks, if that helps
• DJ Ango Rineheart –Django Reinhardt
• Rita Cool Fridge
• The Loneliest Monk – Thelonious Monk
• The Gordon Lightfoot song Donkey Oaty – (Don Quixote)
• Carry on Fidelio – Karajan’s Fidelio
• The song that Glen Cambell sings about being a linesman for the county? The song was Witchita Lineman and the songs lyrics are I am a LINEMAN for the county.
• Lynyrd Skynyrd’s new album Streets of Ivus –(Street Survivors)
• The King and I by Slade – Your Love is King by Sade
• Raper’s Delight by The Sugarhill Gang –(Rappers Delight
• The new album by Dee Ten – (Dio)
• Zed Zed Top
• Withering Heights
• Otis Redding – Sitting on the back of a duck
• The Jethro Tull album ‘Daft as a Brush’ (Thick as a Brick)
• Kick Me in the Coconuts – (Kid Creole and the Coconuts)
• Marvin Gaye singing Central Heating
• Tommy Eros – (Tori Amos)
• Love will Tear us Apart by Joey Davison
• A band whose name is something like diarrhoea – Dire Straits

• I think it is called ‘Up the back passage’ – Up the Junction –Squeeze
• A song about a woman jogging down the shops – Kate Bush –Running up the Hill
• Rock Around the Clock by Bill Shankley
• No mule you fool – Elkie Brookes – No more the Fool
• Buddy Holly sings the Beatles
• Andy Roo – Andre Rieu
• The Arctic Gorillaz
• The Edison Lighthouse Family
• Barclay James Harvester
• The one sung by the pretty blonde and the guy who jumps about

Customer – I would like to buy some string

Shop – Do you mean Sting?

Customer - No, it’s definitely string

Shop – What does String sing?

Customer - String doesn’t sing it’s for tying up parcels.

A man walks in and says that he has heard this Bangin' tune and asks if they have it in stock. The only problem is he can’t remember the artist or the title.
The assistant asks him if he can describe it.
"Yes,it went duh,duh,duh,duh,then it made some squeaky noises then duh, duh, again for ages"
"Sorry mate the assistant says we have sold out".

Customer: Do you stock Ha Ha?

Shop: Do you mean A-ha?

Customer: No it’s definitely Ha Ha. I guess you have not heard of them because they are Norwegian.

Customer: Have you got a song by a woman with love in the title? I heard it on the radio and would like to buy it.

Shop – If you tell us when you heard it and what radio station it was on we can look up their playlist and get it for you.

Customer – That is fantastic, the station was Radio 2 and it was about 10 years ago.

Customer - I heard a song on the radio a few weeks back sung by Elvis Presley and would like to buy it on CD. The only thing is I don’t want the Elvis version I want the original.

Shop – Do you know the song?

Customer – No.

Shop - Who sung the original?

Customer – Don’t know.

Shop – Do you have any other clues?

Customer – No: Are you trying to say that you won’t be able to get it?!

American customer – Hi do you have any CDs in by Stella Jones?

Shop – I will just check our computer database for you

After searching for a few minutes with no look he tells the customer that he as he is American he will check the USA database as well in case Stella released something there. After a few minutes he says to the American customer. “I am sorry but there is nothing listed worldwide for Stella Jones. If you tell me what radio station you heard it on I can contact them and get the details”.

American customer – Oh I never heard her on the radio. I sat next to her in High school 20 years ago and she had the most amazing voice. I was convinced she would have made a CD by now.

A very posh, well-spoken lady comes in and asked ‘Have you got any Jaws CDs?

The shop fetched the Jaws soundtrack as performed by John Williams.

Posh lady – Is this all you have? One CD? I have been in record shops all over the country and you have the worst Jaws section I have ever seen.

Shop – I am sorry madam but there is not much demand for Jaws CDs.

Posh lady – I would have least expected you to stock Miles Davis and Billie Holiday.

She was after jazz, not Jaws.

HMV tales

Terry Doyle told me the story of the day American rock band Paramore played HMV Manchester. A massive crowd had gathered to see the band play. Terry organised refreshments for the band and gave them a room on the first floor of the shop as a changing room. The gig was to start at 5pm and a couple of minutes before Terry asked them to come down stairs and he would announce them. Terry went down and waited for the band to follow him down. He stood next to the temporary stage but the band had not followed him. A few minutes later a very stressed assistant manager rushed over Terry, Paramore are stuck in the lift”. The shop has a lift used for transferring stock between floors and it is really only designed to hold 2 people plus some stock. Not only had the band taken the lift but the bands roadies had crammed in as well. Terry made an announcement to the waiting crowd.” Ladies and gentleman I am delighted to announce that tonight we have one of the most exciting bands in the world to play for you, But for the moment they are stuck in our lift,I will keep you updated. The band was truly stuck and nothing Terry or his team could do would shift the lift. Terry made regular announcements but all he could do was confirm that Paramore were still stuck in the lift. Eventually he announced bad news and good news. The bad news was that Paramore were still stuck, the good news is a lift engineer was on his way. This went down well with the crowd who were enjoying the comical proceedings. Eventually the engineer turned up and soon released the band. As they fell out of the lift Terry tried to lift(forgive the pun) the atmosphere by injecting a bit of humour into the situation by saying “It wouldn’t be the same without a Spinal Tap moment”, His humour was lost on the band who then took the stage and seemed completely unaffected by their claustrophobic experience. In their career they will probably play hundreds of gigs but the one they will never forget was the day at HMV Manchester.

The Sony rep for the North West organised a personal appearance by Tom Jones in HMV Liverpool.   Tom attracted a huge crowd of fans although one enthusiastic lady decided she wanted Tom to sign something other than his new record.   “Hey Tom sign these!” she called and with that she undid her top and plonked a huge pair of boobs on the counter.  Tom was happy to oblige but security took a dim view and ushered her away.  “Get your hands off me!” she screamed as the security guard tried to remove her from the shop.   As he let go the lady leaned back and thrust her head into the security guard’s face knocking him to the ground.   Tom had a big hit with the song ‘Kiss’ but the security guard will never forget the day he was on the receiving end of what is known as a ‘Liverpool Kiss’.   The same rep had security problems in the city on an earlier occasion.   The dilemma reps faced was that they filled their cars with CDs and records, often carrying 1,000 units plus, making them a target for opportunist thieves.  This rep already had his car broken into twice whilst he was visiting record shops, each time his entire stock was stolen.   His bosses were far from happy and he was warned that he would be in big trouble if it happened again.   He decided to take his family dog out with him to guard the car.   One day whilst at HMV he returned to his vehicle and found to his horror that the car had been broken into again.   This time not only had they nicked the stock they had stolen his dog as well! Sadly the stock and the dog were never seen again.

In the early 80’sDave Minns worked at HMV in Brighton One day the manager told Dave that he had been given 2 tickets to see Barry Manilow that night in Brighton but didn’t really fancy going and would Dave like them. Not being a fan Dave made an excuse such as he was washing his hair or taking the dog for a walk so politely declined. The manager asked each member of staff in turn but nobody wanted to go. Eventually he decided that it would be best to give them to a member of the public rather than let them go to waste. He stood on the shop floor and shouted over the music that was playing. “Ladies and gentlemen I have 2 free tickets here for anybody who would like to go to see Barry Manilow tonight”. He was met by strange staring faces but nobody said a thing”. He tried again C’mon surely somebody must want them, they are free”

A voice piped up from behind” Doesn’t anybody wish to see me”. It was Barry Manilow himself actually in the shop purchasing some CDs. The reason everybody had strange looks on their faces was due to as the manager was making his announcement Barry Manilow had been standing directly behind him.

The latest book The Vinyl Revival and the Shops That Made it Happen' has been turned in to a film. 

 www.thevinylrevivalfilm.com

 It is available on DVD and can also be watched on Vimeo 

 

 

The books of Graham Jones are available in record shops or online. The latest book The Vinyl Revival and the Shops that Made it Happen has been turned in to a film. It has just been released on DVD and is available in record shops or online. Distributed by Proper Music.

Each week I record The Vinyl Revival Record Shop Podcast. It contains lots of funny tales from the crazy world of record retailing. It is also available on Spotify.

Twitter: @Revival_Vinyl

My blog has over 100 features on record shops and vinyl.

grahamjonesvinylrevival.blogspot.com

For film screenings and talks contact Graham. 

As the person who has visited more record shops than any other human, I often get asked my advice on buying turntables. I always say do not purchase a budget model. What is the point of buying one that costs the price of a few albums? The sound will not do the recordings justice. For a long time, I have recommended Rega Turntables as they are superb quality at great prices. They got more brownie points for sponsoring 'Record Store Day' and manufacturing limited editions just for record shops.