10 Funny Tales From Record Shops

 HMV

A teenager came in the shop and asked for the theme tune from Ghostbusters.   I pointed out that the single was long deleted but had a look through the racks and found a compilation with it on, sung by Ray Parker Junior.

The customer was delighted.  As I was ringing up the sale on the till the young man explained that the record was to be played at his Grandfather’s funeral as he flew with the RAF in the war.   I thought it was a bizarre choice and it was only after the young man had left the shop that I suspected he might have asked for the wrong record.   Sure enough later that day he came back explaining that he had lightened the mood in his house as what his family had asked him to buy was the theme from the ‘Dambusters’ a very famous piece of music written by the British composer Eric Coates in celebration of the RAF who with the help of bouncing bombs destroyed German dams in World War 2.   I still think it would have been extremely funny to see his Grandfather’s coffin vanish behind the curtain with Ray Parker Junior asking “Who you gonna call?  Ghostbusters


Our Price

Customer:           “You know the song ‘Is This the Way to Amarillo’?”
Shop:                  “Yes, by Tony Christie.”
Customer:           “Where is it?”
Shop:             “All our CDs are filed in alphabetical order so you will find it in the C section       but if you follow me I will show you.”
Customer:            “No its ok I don’t want to buy it, I just wondered where
Amarillo is!”

Borderline Records- Brighton

One day a rather serious looking gentleman came to the counter and asked me for Fido music. I had great fun reeling off suggestions:

‘Hound Dog’ by Elvis
‘I Wanna be Your Dog’ by The Stooges
‘Rain Dogs’ by Tom Waits
‘How Much is that Doggie in the Window?’ by Patti Page    
‘Me and You and a dog named Boo’ by Lobo
‘Diamond Dogs’ by David Bowie.

It was clear I was ‘barking’ up the wrong tree when the gentleman interrupted to explain that Fido was a traditional music of Portugal.   I gently explained that what he was after was Fado music.
 


Bridport Music

I was standing at the counter and aware that a lady was shouting on the pavement outside.  I ignored her.   The shouting carried on and I realised it was me she was shouting at, so I turned the music down.  "Are there any Byrd numbers in there?" was what I heard.   “Well why don't you come in and have a look!”  I replied immediately, but as she seemed reluctant to enter, I walked out to her so we could conduct a civilised conversation.
“Yes” I said, “we have The Byrds Definitive Collection - there are at least 20 tracks on there - everything you could need!”   She looked at me as if I was talking another language.
“No, I want Byrd numbers!”   Starting to get a little cross I grabbed the case and pointed out to her all the Byrds’ hits and more.   She then grabbed the free newspaper from the stand outside the shop and said, waving it at me and starting to raise her voice.  “Will I find bird numbers in here?”
“Bird numbers? - I don't understand!” I replied.
“Numbers for birds,” she said.  “I've come over from Weymouth on the bus and I want to buy a bird.   A budgerigar!”
“Have you tried the pet shop?”
“Yes but they don't have any birds. Are there any people in here (waves paper again) selling birds?”
“I have no idea but why don't you just take one and have a look?  It's free!”
It appeared she didn’t have her glasses so the episode ended up with me going through Yellow Pages trying to find Bridport-based bird sellers so I could get on with my work!

Piccadilly Records - Manchester
We are known for stocking cutting edge, independent music but originally the shop sold pop records as well.   It was when an album by Paul Young was sold in to us by the sales rep that we learned not to always trust what a rep tells you.  The rep informed us that unless he hit his sales target and achieved his bonus, his daughter’s pony would have to be sold and he didn’t wish to break her heart.   We fell for this sob story and gave the rep a massive order.  Years later we were still selling the surplus Paul Young CDs, eventually reducing them to 10p each.   On the plus side, each tme we sold a copy we consoled ourselves with the fact the pony was safe.
 



HMV

American rock band Paramore played HMV Manchester.   A massive crowd had gathered to see the band play.   The manager organised refreshments for the band and gave them a room on the first floor of the shop as a changing room.   The gig was to start at 5 p.m. and a couple of minutes before that the manager asked them to come downstairs and he would announce them.   He went down and waited for the band to follow him.   He stood next to the temporary stage but the band did not appear.   A few minutes later a rather stressed assistant rushed over to the manager and informed him that Paramore were stuck in the lift.

The shop has a lift used for transferring stock between floors and it is really only designed to hold two people plus stock.   Not only had the band taken the lift but the band’s road crew had crammed in as well.   The manager made an announcement to the waiting crowd.   “Ladies and gentleman I am delighted to announce that tonight we have one of the most exciting bands in the world to play for you, but for the moment they are stuck in our lift, I will keep you updated!”

The band was truly stuck and nothing the HMV team could do would shift the lift.   The manager made regular announcements but all he could do was confirm that Paramore were still stuck.   Eventually he announced bad news and good news.   The bad news was that Paramore were still stuck, the good news was a lift engineer was on his way.   This went down well with the crowd who were enjoying the comical proceedings.   Eventually the engineer turned up and soon released the band.   As they fell out of the lift the manager tried to lift (forgive the pun) the atmosphere by injecting a bit of humour into the situation by saying, “It wouldn’t be the same without a Spinal Tap moment!”   His humour was lost on the band as they reached the stage and seemed completely unaffected by their claustrophobic experience.   In their career they will probably play hundreds of gigs but one they will never forget was the day at HMV Manchester.

Music Box - Wallingford
Sony Records invited me to a showcase evening held in a huge warehouse in London.   These events were hosted by record companies to highlight new bands.   The evening usually revolves around 3 new bands recently signed to the label playing a few numbers then mingling with the specially invited guests.   There is normally a free bar and fabulous food.  Guests would receive a goody bag containing advanced copies of forthcoming releases from the bands that have performed.   These lucky guests tended to be journalists and record shop owners, the people they were looking to favour and whose help would be needed in championing new bands.   This particular night I thought that as a treat I would invite my younger brother to the event.
My brother was thrilled but I laid down some ground rules telling him it was very important that if anybody asked he should tell them that he worked at the Music Box and if anybody from the record company enquired about what he thought of any of the bands he should tell them that they were brilliant.   My brother and I arrived at the warehouse and helped ourselves to the free beer.   We were soon joined by many of the executives of Sony Music and they all chatted about life in retail.   My brother kept a low profile, not contributing, as he did not work in music retail so most of the conversation went over his head.   By now there were 8 people standing in a circle talking when a man approached saying “Hey folks, great news!  The sofas have arrived!”   Seizing the chance to join in on the conversation my brother piped up with. “Fantastic I think their album is brilliant and I am looking forward to seeing them play live!”   His comments were met with a stony silence before an executive from Sony said “The sofas are for us all to sit on, the delivery driver is late and that is why we are all standing up!”   Needless to say I didn’t take my brother to an industry event again.



Our Price

Customer:           “I am after a song I heard in the Rose & Crown pub the other night, it was Beat 2.”
Shop:                  “Is Beat 2 the artist or the song?”
Customer:           “No, it is B2 which was the number on the jukebox!”


Rotate Records – Brighouse

A mature lady came in holding a piece of paper and asked for an enema for her son, not realising it was pronounced Eminem
 


Del Querns Full Force Rep now co-owner of Music’s Not Dead record shop in Bexhill-on-Sea

I got a job with Full Force, an independent promotions company working on behalf of various record companies.   Their job was to make sure that shops were stocking and displaying the records we were promoting.   The company would earn money depending on the chart positions of the records.   To achieve more we would often give away the records to help them get into the chart.   A record shop is going to make more effort to sell a CD single for £2.99 that has cost nothing as it is all profit so these CDs would normally be displayed on the counter.  Other ways of promoting records were to give away gifts such as t-shirts, jackets, hampers, or in one case, Go- Disc tracksuits.   Once a record had entered the chart it was no longer given away free and the shop would purchase the stock from Full Force.   I loved the work and a few months later I was promoted to the job of sales manager in charge of 13 other reps.
The job also involved me meeting potential customers and persuading them to employ Full Force.   It was at one of these meetings I become an unlikely and somewhat notorious TV star following a sting by investigative journalist Roger Cook and his programme ‘The Cook Report’, a show that regularly attracted over 8 million viewers.   The programme revealed how record companies were hyping singles into the charts.   I was contacted by a person called Barry who said he had a fabulous new act that he was looking to break into the charts, so could he arrange a meeting.   I invited him to meet me at the Full Force office but Barry suggested meeting at a local pub.   What I didn’t realise was that the TV production company would be there secretly filming the meeting.   To my surprise the great new artist turned out to be Debbie Currie, the daughter of Tory MP Edwina Currie.   What I did not know was that Debbie was also working as a trainee journalist with Central TV.   The song she had recorded was a cover version of the 1973 number 3 hit by Limmie and Family Cooking ‘You Can Do Magic.’   I listened to the record and thought it was awful so in my mind I didn’t think the daughter of a Tory MP had any chance of making the charts no matter what methods were used to promote her.   Barry told me that one of the most famous producers in the country, Mike Stock, who as part of the producing and songwriting team of Stock, Aitken and Waterman had been involved in over 100 UK top 40 hits for artists such as Kylie Minogue, Rick Astley and Dead or Alive was the record’s producer.   Despite my left wing politics and the fact that I was certain the record would be a turkey, business is business so I agreed to take on the job of promoting the record.   Over the next couple of weeks I met Barry in the pub for regular meetings and Barry probed me on how best to get the record up the charts with me not realising all the time I was being filmed.   The record was released on 19th May 1997 and the Cook Report went into overdrive promoting Debbie.   They lined up over 40 press interviews and Debbie, who could genuinely sing, toured the UK’s nightclubs doing personal appearances along with numerous radio and TV bookings including a now famous interview with Richard and Judy who had no idea it was all a hoax.   It did help that Debbie’s famous mother was happy to do photo-shoots and interviews to help her daughter’s pop career get off the ground, but there was a problem.   Despite all the media attention the single was not selling and scraped into the chart at number 86.   The first time I felt a bit uncomfortable was when one of the shops that Full Force serviced called to say that somebody had just purchased 15 copies of the record.   It was clear that a buying team had been employed and were driving around the country purchasing the records to try and help it climb the chart.   It was later revealed that over 800 copies of the record had been bought this way.   Alarm bells should have rung when Barry called me asking to meet, as he would like to give me a crate of champagne to thank me and my team for all their efforts.   That puzzled me!   Barry had paid us a fortune yet the record had peaked at number 86.   Still, I wasn’t going to turn down a crate of free champagne and agreed to meet Barry in a car park to collect my reward.   Barry told me that the champagne was in the boot of the car. But when I opened it to pick up the crate the name on the bottles wasn’t champagne but Perrier, the crate contained 12 bottles of fizzy water!   Before I had chance to query this a voice boomed behind me, “Dodgy Del, I accuse you of chart hyping!”   It was Roger Cook, with a film and lighting crew in tow.   I was lost for words as a microphone was thrust into my face.   The only thing I could say was “I haven’t done anything wrong!” (My voice 10 octaves higher than normal) as I struggled to answer Roger’s questions.   I decided the best course of action was to flee back into the safety of the offices of Full Force.   I locked myself in a room and noticed just how much I was shaking whilst Roger continued to shout questions at me from the street below.   My bosses, though understanding, would make no decision on my future till they had seen the programme.   The next few weeks were stressful to say the least.   I phoned my parents to ask them if they ever watched it.   “Yes” replied my Mum, “it is one of our favourite programmes.”   I told my Mum that I was going to be in an episode in a couple of weeks’ time.    Mum sounded quite proud until I explained that I was referred to as Dodgy Del in the show and was being portrayed as a villain.   Soon ITV started showing trailers for the show and Roger Cook proudly announced that in the new series they were investigating paedophiles, arms dealers and a two-part show on the people who hype the chart.  This was terrible, not only was I being lumped in with paedophiles and arms dealers but the show was going to be shown in two parts.   The day of the first broadcast was June 3rd.   I felt sick and was desperately trying to think of what I had said to Barry at the meetings in the pub.   The programme started with Roger explaining that the show was about how records could be manipulated into the chart.   He finished his introduction by saying that later on they would be meeting this man ‘Dodgy Del’ whereupon a photo of me filled the TV screen.   The tension for was unbearable but to my surprise I did not feature until the last 2 minutes of the show where Roger surprised me taking the bottles of Perrier water out of the boot of the car.   The show finished with Roger saying: “In next week’s show we will see what Dodgy Del has to say for himself!”   I had another week to wait to see how much trouble I was in.   When the second part of the investigation was shown my revelations were common practice in the industry and things were not as bad as I thought.   My bosses informed me that my job was safe.   It was somewhat ironic that despite revealing some unhealthy practices, the Cook Report into the music industry showed that hyping did not work.   Despite spending tens of thousands of pounds on promotion and the Debbie Currie single only reaching the dizzy heights of number 86, it showed that the hyping had failed.   The mistake the Cook Report made was not picking a good record in the first place; if they had the results may have been different.
As for me, I found myself as somewhat of a notorious celebrity as it seemed that half of Tooting, where I was now living, had watched the programme.   People in the street and in the shops would shout out “Hey Dodgy Del!”   After a few months I decided I needed a respite so I left the music industry and along with my girlfriend Nicky bought a camper van and toured the world for a much needed sabbatical.

The books of Graham Jones are available in record shops or online. The latest book The Vinyl Revival and the Shops that Made it Happen has been turned in to a film. It has just been released on DVD and is available in record shops or online. Distributed by Proper Music.

Each week I record The Vinyl Revival Record Shop Podcast. It contains lots of funny tales from the crazy world of record retailing. It is also available on Spotify.

Twitter: @Revival_Vinyl

My blog has over 100 features on record shops and vinyl.

grahamjonesvinylrevival.blogspot.com

For film screenings and talks contact Graham. 

As the person who has visited more record shops than any other human, I often get asked my advice on buying turntables. I always say do not purchase a budget model. What is the point of buying one that costs the price of a few albums? The sound will not do the recordings justice. For a long time, I have recommended Rega Turntables as they are superb quality at great prices. They got more brownie points for sponsoring 'Record Store Day' and manufacturing limited editions just for record shops.