Happy 100th Birthday HMV

 

 GENUINE THINGS PEOPLE HAVE ASKED FOR

HAVE YOU GOT?

•    No mule you fool – Elkie Brookes – No more the Fool
•    Buddy Holly sings the Beatles
•    Andy Roo – Andre Rieu
•    The Arctic Gorillaz
•    The Edison Lighthouse Family
•    Barclay James Harvester
•    The one sung by the pretty blonde and the guy who jumps about
•    The Loneliest Monk – Thelonious Monk
•    Coldplay – Parrott Eyes
•    My son asked me to pick up the new Limp Wristed CD.

 

The managerat the Brighton branch of HMV he always encouraged the staff to think for themselves and to put into action anything they thought that would help increase sales.   One busy afternoon he noticed that the Van Morrison section was empty.   Thinking somebody had stolen the whole section he checked with the security staff and quizzed them if they had seen anything.   Nobody had so he started asking the staff.    One young female assistant when asked replied “Don’t worry  they haven’t been nicked I just thought he would sell better in the Doors section so I moved his CDs to there!” The manager politely pointed out that the lead singer of the Doors was Jim Morrison.
The same girl was also responsible for creating much mirth with her fellow staff members after a gentleman approached to the counter and asked if they stocked anything by Michel Legrand, the multi Oscar winning composer.   He was most famous for writing the score to The Thomas Crown Affair including the haunting ‘Windmills of your Mind’ sung by Noel Harrison, which reached number 8 in the UK chart in 1968.
“I am sure we stock her” she replied, “Have you looked in female vocal?”

One of the great things about working in HMV was the amount of gigs you were given free tickets to.   Record companies were keen to earn favour with record store staff hoping that by giving them free promotional CDs, T-shirts and gig tickets in return they would support their releases.   One day the manager  had been given 2 tickets to see Barry Manilow that night in Brighton but didn’t really fancy going and would he like them.   Not being a fan the manager made an excuse such as he was washing his hair or taking the dog for a walk.  The manager asked each member of staff in turn but nobody wanted to go.   Eventually he decided that it would be best to give them to a member of the public rather than let them go to waste. He stood on the shop floor and shouted over the music that was playing. “Ladies and gentlemen I have 2 free tickets here for anybody who would like to go to see Barry Manilow tonight”.   He was met by strange staring faces bur nobody said a thing.   He tried again  “Come on, surely somebody must want them, they are free!”
A voice piped up from behind  “Doesn’t anybody wish to see me?”    It was Barry Manilow himself actually in the shop purchasing some CDs!   The reason everybody had strange looks on their faces was because as the manager was making his announcement Barry Manilow had been standing directly behind him!


Terry Doyle, manager of HMV Manchester, has been with the company since the 80s and Chris Taylor, who is now area manager for Scotland, had the dubious pleasure of working under me at HMV Liverpool.  They were both 16 years old and we had taken them on as part of a government initiative to reduce unemployment called YTS (Youth Training Scheme).   They soon established a reputation as the fastest rappers I have ever seen, sorry I mean wrappers!   In the early 80s HMV stock consisted of vinyl and cassettes and to stop the LPs being damaged they were all wrapped in Clingfilm.  The process consisted of placing the LP under a piece of plastic roll. The excess plastic would be cut away then the LP would slide through a heater, which would mould the plastic covering around the LP sealing it.   In hindsight this was not a very environmentally friendly method as after purchasing an album the customer could not take it out of the sleeve without first removing the Clingfilm packaging.   I was working as stockroom manager so it was my job to get deliveries out on the shop floor as soon as possible.   The worst job in the shop was wrapping the LPs as it was monotonous and the machine gave off an obnoxious odour.   Poor Terry and Chris were given the role of chief wrappers.  To motivate them we held weekly wrapping contests.   The lads became extremely competitive each determined to do more wrapping than the other.   After a few months the speed at which they wrapped albums was incredible.   The wrapping machine was also useful for a more devious practice.   In those days the record companies would allow us to return 5% of unsold stock every 3 months.   They also allowed us to return all faulty products.   We would always exceed our 5% entitlements so many happy hours were spent taking albums out of their sleeves and pushing them through the shrinkwrapper so the heat would warp them slightly.   We would then return them as warped product.   We also kept a small selection of nails to scratch unsold LPs and return them as scratched.  I should stress that  this was not HMV policy but the practice was widespread and I am sure it was these devious practises that encouraged the record companies to soon become far more generous with the returns they allowed us to send back.

Terry told me the story of the day American rock band Paramore played HMV in Manchester.   A massive crowd had gathered to see the band play.   Terry organised refreshments for the band and gave them a room on the first floor of the shop as a changing room.   The gig was to start at 5p.m. and a couple of minutes before Terry asked them to come downstairs and he would announce them.  Terry went down and waited for the band to follow him down.  He stood next to the temporary stage but the band had not followed him.   A few minutes later a very stressed assistant manager rushed over Terry and said “Paramore are stuck in the lift!”   The shop has a lift used for transferring stock between floors and it is really only designed to hold 2 people plus some stock.  Not only had the band taken the lift but the band’s roadies had crammed in as well.   Terry made an announcement to the waiting crowd. “Ladies and gentleman I am delighted to announce that tonight we have one of the most exciting bands in the world to play for you, But for the moment they are stuck in our lift.   I will keep you updated!”   The band was truly stuck and nothing Terry or his team could do would shift the lift.   Terry made regular announcements but all he could do was confirm that Paramore were still stuck in the lift.   Eventually he announced the bad news was that Paramore were still stuck but the good news was a lift engineer was on his way.  This went down well with the crowd who were enjoying the comical proceedings.  Eventually the engineer turned up and soon released the band.    As they fell out of the lift Terry tried to lift (forgive the pun) the atmosphere by injecting a bit of humour into the situation by saying “It wouldn’t be the same without a Spinal Tap moment!”   His humour was lost on the band who then took the stage and seemed completely unaffected by their claustrophobic experience.   In their career they will probably play hundreds of gigs but the one they will never forget was the day at HMV Manchester.
I received a couple of great anecdotes about Terry’s old store HMV Liverpool.  The Sony rep for the North West organised a personal appearance by Tom Jones in HMV Liverpool.   Tom attracted a huge crowd of fans although one enthusiastic lady decided she wanted Tom to sign something other than his new record.   “Hey Tom sign these!” she called and with that she undid her top and plonked a huge pair of boobs on the counter.  Tom was happy to oblige but security took a dim view and ushered her away.  “Get your hands off me!” she screamed as the security guard tried to remove her from the shop.   As he let go the lady leaned back and thrust her head into the security guard’s face knocking him to the ground.   Tom had a big hit with the song ‘Kiss’ but the security guard will never forget the day he was on the receiving end of what is known as a ‘Liverpool Kiss’.   The same rep had security problems in the city on an earlier occasion.   The dilemma reps faced was that they filled their cars with CDs and records, often carrying 1,000 units plus, making them a target for opportunist thieves.  This rep already had his car broken into twice whilst he was visiting record shops, each time his entire stock was stolen.   His bosses were far from happy and he was warned that he would be in big trouble if it happened again.   He decided to take his family dog out with him to guard the car.   One day whilst at HMV he returned to his vehicle and found to his horror that the car had been broken into again.   This time not only had they nicked the stock they had stolen his dog as well! Sadly the stock and the dog were never seen again.
One HMV employee who wished to remain anonymous told me about the day ‘Jamiroquai took the piss’.   The only problem for Jay Kay the elaborate hat wearing singer with the band was that the piss was from the HMV employee. HMV were holding an awards ceremony were Jamiroquai were playing.   At these evenings the drinks are free and the employee had taken advantage of the company’s hospitality.   Late in the evening and with a full bladder he was halfway through relieving himself when who should join him in the next urinal but Jay Kay.   He was so excited to see him and keen to congratulate him on his performance that he turned to him and said “Hey Jay, great to see you!”  What he did not realise was that he still had his todger in his hand.    Jay Kay tried to jump out of the way as the golden arch of urine seemed to follow him.  The employee was in such a state of shock at what he had done that he was still pissing.   Before he knew it he had been manhandled out the toilet by Jay Kay’s minders, not even giving him time to tuck his tackle away.   I am sure Jay Kay has never forgotten the day he took the piss at a HMV function.
One day at a branch of HMV a lady came up to the counter and asked for the song “Nuts Old Hazelnuts”. The staff looked it up on their data-base and could find no sign of the song. The young lady told the staff they must know it as it was used in an advert for chocolate.
The staff asked if she could sing a few lines. The young lady burst out singing. Nuts Old Hazelnuts, Cadbury’s take them and they cover them in chocolate. The staff burst out laughing realising that she meant whole hazelnuts as opposed to old hazelnuts It is hard to believe that Cadburys where using old hazelnuts in their chocolate. The song was a play on the Harry Bellefonte number Banana Boat Song which people recognise as soon as they hear the opening line of Day O.

Another HMV classic was the lady who asked for the CD Polaroid. The staff pointed out they had in stock” Photograph “by Ringo Starr and “Wishing I had a photograph of you “by Flock of Seagulls but no song called Polaroid. The lady informed them that apparently it was a classic by the band Black Sabbath. I think you mean Paranoid came the reply. Mentioning Flock of Seagulls reminds me of the customer who asked for a Flock of Swallows. The most unusual song request came from a lady who asked for a CD that must contain the track “Horse With no Feet”. The song she was after was” Horse with no Name” by the band America. It is hard to even conjure up an image in your mind of a horse with no feet. I recall the legendary John Peel telling me that America was one of his least favourite bands thanks to a very early morning concert they gave him. On their first visit to the UK they were eager to impress the influential DJ and discovered where he lived. They decided to set up outside his house at 7am in the morning and give an impromptu concert below John Peel’s bedroom window. They clearly didn’t take into account that John Peel’s show finished at midnight and by the time he got back to his house in Suffolk it would be gone 2am.The last thing he needed whilst snoozing under the covers was a rock band blasting out as an early morning wake up call.

 A teenager came in the shop and asked for the theme from Ghostbusters. The assistant pointed out that the single was long deleted but had a look through the racks and found a compilation with it on sung by Ray Parker Junior. The customer was delighted. As the assistant was ringing up the sale on the till the young man explained that the record was to be played at his Grandad’s funeral as he flew with the RAF in the war. The assistant thought it was a bizarre choice and it was only after the young man had left the shop that he suspected he may have asked for the wrong record. Sure enough later that day he came back explaining that he had sure lightened the mood in his house as what his family had asked him to buy was the theme from the “Dambusters”,a very famous piece of music written by the British composer Eric Coates in celebration of the RAF who with the help of bouncing bombs destroyed German dams in World War 2.
I still think it would be extremely funny to see Granddad’s coffin vanish behind the curtain with Ray Parker Junior asking “Who you gonna Call? Ghostbusters”

One artist whose name seems to create problems for the public is American soul star Lionel Richie who has been requested as Lennie Richards and my favourite Lionel Rich Tea (that takes the biscuit).

Graham Jones first book 'Last Shop Standing' documents his years working behind the counter of HMV.

 

 

The books of Graham Jones are available in record shops or online. The latest book The Vinyl Revival and the Shops that Made it Happen has been turned in to a film. It has just been released on DVD and is available in record shops or online. Distributed by Proper Music.

 

Check out The Vinyl Revival Record Shop Podcast. It contains lots of funny tales from the crazy world of record retailing. It is also available on Spotify.

Twitter: @Revival_Vinyl

My blog has over 100 features on record shops and vinyl.

grahamjonesvinylrevival.blogspot.com

For film screenings and talks contact Graham.at graham@lastshopstanding.co.uk

As the person who has visited more record shops than any other human, I often get asked my advice on buying turntables. I always say do not purchase a budget model. What is the point of buying one that costs the price of a few albums? The sound will not do the recordings justice. For a long time, I have recommended Rega Turntables as they are superb quality at great prices. They got more brownie points for sponsoring 'Record Store Day' and manufacturing limited editions just for record shops.