The worst record shop in the world
The World’s Worst Record Shop
It took me all of ten seconds to select the shop to which I can grant the accolade “The Worst” of all the hundreds I have known:
One day, whilst working in Bolton, I stumbled upon a shop I had never seen before, called ‘Sounds’. I popped in and introduced myself to the owner a seventeen-year-old called Craig. He informed me that he had recently left school and that his Dad had asked him what he wanted to do with his life. When Craig told him that he would like to run his own record shop, his father, obligingly, stumped up the funds.
A succession of customers then interrupted our chat. The ensuing conversations illustrated both Craig’s business acumen and his aptitude for customer care:
Customer: “My stylus seems to be faulty as all my records are jumping”.
Craig: “Bring it in and I will have a look at it for you”.
Customer: “I have it with me. I think it’s bent”.
Craig spent the next two (interminable) minutes holding the stylus up to the light before confirming that it was bent and handing it back to the customer.
Customer: “Do you have one in stock?”
Craig: “No”.
Customer: “Can you order one for me?”
Craig: “Sorry, mate. This is a record shop; not a hi-fi dealer”.
The disgruntled customer left, whilst I quietly explained to Craig that adequate record shops stocked basics, like styli.
Another customer came in and asked Craig if he had anything by the Halle Orchestra (As the Halle is Britain’s longest-established symphony orchestra and is based in Manchester, a mere 10 miles from Bolton, you would have expected Craig to be aware of it).
“Of course I have, mate” Craig responded, as he plonked a copy of Bill Haley’s Greatest Hits on the counter.
The classical customer looked at Craig in disgust. I was not sure if it was due to a dislike of being called “mate” or to Craig’s ignorance of the Halle Orchestra. “It is the Halle I am after”’ the customer insisted.
“I think you will find that it is pronounced ‘Haley’”, replied Craig, knowingly.
Shaking his head, the customer started to make his way out of the shop. In a last desperate attempt to procure a sale, Craig started to read out the track-listing from the Bill Haley CD, “Hey mate, all the hits are on this – ‘Rock Around The Clock’; ‘See You Later, Alligator’…” But, to no avail - the customer had gone.
I thought I had never met such a magnificently useless record storeowner…. until things got worse….
The next unfortunate customer came in and purchased a CD for £3.99. Craig took the proffered £5, but then shut the till without giving any change. When the customer pointed out the omission, Craig, for some reason, could not get his till to open. A full 10 minutes elapsed with Craig pressing every combination of buttons on the till in an attempt to open it.
When he was reduced to trying to force it open with a screwdriver, the customer called him “an idiot” - to which Craig responded, “Tell you what, mate - why don’t you try and open it?”
To calm the situation I gave the customer his £1.01 from my own pocket and told Craig to repay the money when he got the till open.
Sadly that time never came. Half an hour later, the till was still shut. I promised Craig I would call on him the next time I was in the area - I had spent more than an hour with a customer and had achieved sales worth minus £1.01, but the comedy value had been worth every penny.
Predictably, when I next checked out the store, it had closed.
Maybe Craig never did get that damn till open.
Taken from Last Shop Standing
After 6 editions Last Shop Standing book crammed full of record shop tales has been deleted. Still available on Kindle
The books of Graham Jones are available in record shops or online. The latest book The Vinyl Revival and the Shops that Made it Happen has been turned in to a film. It has just been released on DVD and is available in record shops or online. Distributed by Proper Music.
Each week I record The Vinyl Revival Record Shop Podcast. It contains lots of funny tales from the crazy world of record retailing. It is also available on Spotify.
Twitter: @Revival_Vinyl
My blog has over 100 features on record shops and vinyl.
grahamjonesvinylrevival.blogspot.com
For film screenings and talks contact Graham.
As the person who has visited more record shops than any other human, I often
get asked my advice on buying turntables. I always say do not purchase a budget
model. What is the point of buying one that costs the price of a few
albums? The sound will not do the recordings justice. For a long time, I have
recommended Rega Turntables as they are superb quality
at great prices. They got more brownie points for sponsoring 'Record Store
Day' and manufacturing limited editions just for record shops.
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