A bizarre record shop anecdote featuring Billy Bailey,Mark Lamarr and a sign


Turntable tales and the jukebox of jokes

Since writing the book Strange Requests and Comic Tales from Record Shops, published in 2013, I seem to have become a magnet for people wishing to share their funny, sometimes bizarre record retailing experiences. Here are some more of my favourite tales.
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After 18 years of trading in Portobello Road, Intoxica, the vinyl specialist in Kentish Town, North London was hit with a 90% rent hike. Regretfully, the owner Nick Brown was forced to close the shop and now trades online instead.
On Nick’s last day in the shop, Mark Lamarr, presenter of Never Mind the Buzzcocks, came in and asked if he could have the Intoxica sign hanging above the door. Nick said that he was welcome to take it, provided it was removed before midnight, when the property reverted to the landlord. That evening, after the shop had closed, Mark returned in a hired pick-up truck with comedian and fellow music fanatic Bill Bailey to do the deed.
The next day, Nick took his morning stroll to buy his paper and, to his horror, saw the headline on the front page: “Man killed in North London by falling sign”. His stomach churned. Had Mark Lamarr met his end? Or, more likely, the bungling pair had dropped the sign on the head of some hapless passerby. He picked up the paper and could not hide his relief when he read that the unlucky gentleman had been killed by a William Hill sign. A minute or so later, Nick composed himself, and reflected that a man had sadly lost his life.
Blissfully unaware of this unfortunate coincidence, Mark and Bill had delivered the sign to Mark’s house without mishap. Mark has now restored the sign to its original, pristine glory and it is proudly displayed in his basement, where Nick has since been over to view it.
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Many shops have tales of telephone sales people not understanding requests. But Nick Brown from Intoxica recalls a telesales pitch that surely takes the biscuit. A young woman from the distributors Pinnacle called to persuade him to stock some of their priority releases.
Telesales woman: “We have a brand new album from Nico Peelsessions called You Will Sell Loads of This One.”
Nick: “Can I confirm the artist is Nico Peelsessions?
Telesales woman: “Yes.”
Nick: “And the album is called You Will Sell Loads of This One?”
Telesales woman: “Yes.”
Nick: “I think the artist is Nico, the title is Peel Sessions, and your boss has typed out a bit of advice.”
Telesales woman: “You could be right.”




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Have You Got?

 Genuine requests from customers in record shops

“Go and Get Stuffed” by Billy Ocean? (“When the Going Gets Tough”)

Kathy del Mar? (Café del Mar)

Pablo Martini? (Paolo Nutini)

Fun Lovin’ Cannibals? (Fun Lovin’ Criminals)

Internal? (Eternal)

A singer called Simon Garfunkel? (Simon & Garfunkel)

“Albert Ross” by Fleetwood Mac? (“Albatross”)

“I Can’t Stand Gravy” by k.d.lang? (“Constant Craving”)

That song they play on the radio? I have no idea who sings it. I think his surname is Ferry. His first name might be Bryan.  (Take your pick)

That song they sing at New Year, “Old Mount Zion”? (“Auld Lang Syne”)

The blues guy T.J. Hooker? (John Lee Hooker)

Have you got any music that will help rid my house of evil spirits?

Tanya Zafta? (Ten Years After)

The Immaculate Conception by Madonna? (The Immaculate Collection)

Spangle Barry? (Spandau Ballet)

Anklepert Humpelstink? (Engelbert Humperdink)

Storm C? (Stormzy)

Any Floyd albums? There’s nothing in the F section. (Pink Floyd)

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One of the regular customers at Save Records (since closed down) in Bury Market, Greater Manchester, told the owner Maxine that he was going away for a week to the Lake District. He asked her to keep his order of LPs to one side until he returned, as he needed his holiday spending money. A few days later he came in and said he would like to buy his LPs, after all.
“I thought you were on holiday,” Maxine said.
“I am,” he replied.
It had been a rainy morning in the Lake District and, walking through town he had noticed a Mystery Tour coach trip. Thinking that would be a perfect way to spend the day, he bought a ticket. After travelling for a couple of hours, he noticed that the “mystery” route looked familiar. As the bus arrived at its destination he realised that the Mystery Tour was to the world famous Bury Market, right next to his home town and home to Save Records. Since he was there anyway, he decided he would spend his holiday money in the shop he visited every week.


   This article is taken from the book The Vinyl Revival and the Shops That Made it Happen
 


Over 220 independent record shops are  featured


Available at your local record shop or online at http://smarturl.it/vinylrevival



https://youtu.be/dDYrd0N2cIA










The books of Graham Jones are available in record shops or online. The latest book The Vinyl Revival and the Shops that Made it Happen has been turned in to a film. It has just been released on DVD and is available in record shops or online. Distributed by Proper Music.

Each week I record The Vinyl Revival Record Shop Podcast. It contains lots of funny tales from the crazy world of record retailing. It is also available on Spotify.

Twitter: @Revival_Vinyl

My blog has over 100 features on record shops and vinyl.

grahamjonesvinylrevival.blogspot.com

For film screenings and talks contact Graham. 


As the person who has visited more record shops than any other human, I often get asked my advice on buying turntables. I always say do not purchase a budget model. What is the point of buying one that costs the price of a few albums? The sound will not do the recordings justice. For a long time, I have recommended Rega Turntables as they are superb quality at great prices. They got more brownie points for sponsoring 'Record Store Day' and manufacturing limited editions just for record shops. 

 

 

The books of Graham Jones are available in record shops or online. The latest book The Vinyl Revival and the Shops that Made it Happen has been turned in to a film. It has just been released on DVD and is available in record shops or online. Distributed by Proper Music.

Each week I record The Vinyl Revival Record Shop Podcast. It contains lots of funny tales from the crazy world of record retailing. It is also available on Spotify.

Twitter: @Revival_Vinyl

My blog has over 100 features on record shops and vinyl.

grahamjonesvinylrevival.blogspot.com

For film screenings and talks contact Graham. 


As the person who has visited more record shops than any other human, I often get asked my advice on buying turntables. I always say do not purchase a budget model. What is the point of buying one that costs the price of a few albums? The sound will not do the recordings justice. For a long time, I have recommended Rega Turntables as they are superb quality at great prices. They got more brownie points for sponsoring 'Record Store Day' and manufacturing limited editions just for record shops. 

 

 

















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