Comic Tales from closed down record shops
Record Shops of the Past
CE Hudson Chesterfield
One day a customer asked me “Do you have Marsha Cup?” Although I had not heard of Marsha I presumed that she was a soul singer. After checking the soul section where there was no sign of her I looked in the ‘C’ of the rock and pop section but still no luck. “Where did you hear Marsha?” I asked the man.
“Sorry,” he replied, “Marsha Cup is the name of the song. It is the one that goes I’m in love, I’m Marsha Cup!” I replied “I think you will find the lyrics are ‘I’m in love, I’m All Shook Up’ and the song is by Elvis Presley!”
Back in the early 1950s we would post our orders to London. The ordered stock was transported by steam train on Saturday mornings before being transferred by van to the shop to arrive mid-morning. I decided that it would be best to pick up the stock from the railway station when the steam train arrived at 4.30 a.m. I would take a taxi as the shop did not have a van and I didn’t own a car. The reason I did this was that so we could have the stock on the shelf by opening time. In those days every record had to be checked before going on display, as shops suffered a high percentage of breakages. 78s were very brittle and needed to be packed carefully. This would seem obvious but the music industry delivered its product in tea chests packed with straw. The straw came in handy to feed the local horses but was useless at protecting records! I recall one Christmas when the delivery was so big that it hardly fitted in the taxi! The driver was reluctant to set off with so much weight on board but I promised him a big tip if he was prepared to risk it. The tip was much needed by the end of the journey as each time we went over a bump one of the taxi’s wheel hubs flew off.
One gig that had an impact on the town and our shop was the night Engelbert Humperdinck played the Regal Theatre and one of the support acts was Jimi Hendrix. The next day the gig was the talk of the town. Many who attended thought the wild guitarist they had witnessed had ruined the show whilst many others came in to buy records by this new and exciting artist. The agent who put them on the same bill deserved sacking as they went together like bananas and gravy!
Music Box in Wallingford
Sony Records invited me to a showcase evening held in a huge warehouse in London. These events are organised by record companies to highlight new bands they will be promoting over the following year. The evening usually revolves around 3 new bands recently signed to the label playing a few numbers then mingling with the specially invited guests. There is normally a free bar and fabulous food. Guests would receive a goody bag containing advanced copies of forthcoming releases from the bands that have performed. These lucky guests tended to be journalists and record shop owners, the people they were looking to favour and whose help would be needed in championing new bands. This particular night I thought that as a treat I would invite my younger brother to the event.
My brother was thrilled but I laid down some ground rules telling him it was very important that if anybody asked he should tell them that he worked at the Music Box and if anybody from the record company enquired about what he thought of any of the bands he should tell them that they were brilliant. My brother and I arrived at the warehouse and helped ourselves to the free beer. We were soon joined by many of the executives of Sony Music and they all chatted about life in retail. My brother kept a low profile, not contributing, as he did not work in music retail so most of the conversation went over his head. By now there were 8 people standing in a circle talking when a man approached saying “Hey folks, great news! The sofas have arrived!” Seizing the chance to join in on the conversation my brother piped up with. “Fantastic I think their album is brilliant and I am looking forward to seeing them play live!” His comments were met with a stony silence before an executive from Sony said “The sofas are for us all to sit on, the delivery driver is late and that is why we are all standing up!” Needless to say I didn’t take my brother to an industry event again.
Mike Lloyd in Hanley
On my first day, I was shocked to find that every other member of staff disappeared just as a curious old chap with a long white beard arrived at the counter. This was my first encounter with the notorious Sir Alan Maddock.
Sir Alan would come into the store every day, at the same time and ask whether his order had come in (for “Flying Down To Rio” on LP – which, of course, was impossible to order!) and whilst some staff would attempt to make him understand that it was impossible, eventually they would give up and just say that there was nothing in on that day for him so he should try again tomorrow!
Whilst he was there, Sir Alan would then tell us a tale. For instance – he was about to go on a date with Grace Kelly, or Boris Karloff was his uncle and was 8” tall with wooden false teeth. He was once hung, but didn’t die because his legs were so long they touched the floor. He bought a calendar of George Clooney because he thought George was the ‘Earl of Stafford’. He once forgot how to walk between counter and door…I could go on…!
Music Zone Tales
Do you have any “Larry and Hardly” DVDs? (Laurel and Hardy)
Customer: “Hi, I’m after a song I’ve just heard on the radio…”
Shop: “No problem, do you know what it’s called?”
Customer: “Oh… erm… No. I didn’t catch the name of it!”
Shop: “Do you know who it’s by?”
Customer: “No… I missed what the DJ bloke said. I think it’s in the charts.”
Shop: “Hmm, ok. Do you know any of the lyrics? Can you sing a bit of it?”
Customer: “Eeeee! I’m not singing it to you!”
(Awkward pause)
Customer: “I think a man sings it…”
“Do you have a CD by Jamie MacKay please?” After much thought I asked, “Is it Jamiroquai you are looking for?” “Oh no it is definitely Jamie Mackay!” So we put the Jamiroquai CD on and I asked if this was it. “Yes that’s Jamie!” was the reply!
“Have you got that CD by Leslie Miserables?”
Our Price Tales
Customer: “I’m looking for Tom Waits?”
New Staff member: “Sorry he doesn’t work here!”
One Day a guy joined the back of a 30 minute queue in the Brent Cross branch of Our Price. It was a very busy Saturday and he was carrying his full stack system, (turntable, cassette player, speakers, the lot!) When he finally got to the counter looking exhausted and sweating profusely, he managed to breathlessly squeak "Do you have a stylus for this mate?" Poor chap, Our Price didn't even sell styli!
Customer: “Have you got Pale Blue Eyes?”
Shop: “I think they are more green than blue!”
Customer: “No, it’s a song by the Velvet Underground!”
Customer: “I am after a song I heard in the Rose & Crown pub the other night, it was B 2.”
Shop: “Is B 2 the artist or the song?”
Customer: “No, it is B2 which was the number on the jukebox!”
Customer: “I would like my money back on these CDs please”.
Shop: “Why is that Sir?”
Customer: “I don’t like them!”
Shop: “Sorry Sir, company policy is we can only exchange faulty goods”.
Customer: “What kind of store are you? If you brought anything back to my shop that you did not like we would instantly refund your money”.
Shop: “Where do you work Sir?”
Customer: “Marks & Spencer!”
Shop: “Yes but you can’t play jumpers can you?”
A woman came into Our Price in Liverpool asking for ‘Rock Around The Clock’ by Bill Shankly.
Although Liverpool football fans claimed he could walk on water even the great man can’t be credited with being the father of rock ‘n’ roll. The assistant suggested the song was probably by Bill Haley.
Customer: “Do you remember the song ‘Toast’?”
Shop: “Yes, it was a minor hit sung by Paul Young when he was in a group called the Streetband. We don’t have it in stock but I’ll see if I can order it.”
Customer: “I don’t want it, I just think it would be funny if The Jam, Marmalade or Bread did a cover version!”
An old lady approached the counter asking for a refund. She had bought a CD by the band Jesus & Mary Chain thinking it was a religious CD.
Customer: “Do you have the record that people dance to like this?” (He jumps to one side, arms by his sides, then bounces down the gap between the CD racks).
I looked at him dumbfounded before calling over the manager for a second opinion though I just wanted to see the customer jumping around the shop again! He then proceeded to call the assistant manager just so we could witness the now exhausted customer demonstrate it one more time!
Pulse Records
Sometimes sarcasm can be wonderful as proved when a chap of about 50 came in and said he'd heard a song by Bryan something, but he doubted we would have it. He explained that it was a ballad if that was of any help, to which I replied, "Do you mean the one that's been number one for the past sixteen weeks by Bryan Adams called ‘(Everything I do), I do it for you’?”
I had a mature lady who came in holding a piece of paper and asking for an enema for her son, not realising it was pronounced Eminem
I employed some great people but one young girl I had to 'let go' because she had absolutely no idea what she was doing and had no interest in music apart from the top 5.
She filed things in the wrong places and couldn't tell the difference between an LP and a 12" single. I realised that I had made the right decision when someone found the Emerson, Lake and Palmer album ‘Brain Salad Surgery’ bagged up and filed away under
Artist: - Brian Salad
Title: - Surgery
Valhalla in Kilmarnock
Customer: “I heard a song on the radio a few weeks back sung by Elvis Presley and would like to buy it on CD. The only thing is I don’t want the Elvis version I want the original!”
Shop: “Do you know the song?”
Customer: “No”.
Shop: “Who sung the original?”
Customer: “Don’t know”.
Shop: “Do you have any other clues?”
Customer: “No, are you trying to say that you won’t be able to get it?”
“Do you have A Chocolate Orange? It’s a Stanley Kubrick film…”
I was impressed they actually knew it was Stanley Kubrick who made the film they were after, even though they had the easy part wrong.
We noticed people sniggering whilst looking through our CD racks so went to investigate. We had recently asked a new member of staff to make header boards and the one he had made for one of the UK’s most famous female singers read ‘KATES BUSH’.
“I am after the new CD by Snowplay!” (Maybe they are a cooler version of Coldplay)
Customer: “You know the song ‘Is This the Way to Amarillo’?”
Shop: “Yes, by Tony Christie”.
Customer: “Where is it?”
Shop: “All our CDs are filed in alphabetical order so you will find it in the C section but if you follow me I will show you.”
Customer: “No it’s OK I don’t want to buy it, I just wondered where Amarillo is!”
And so on.
One of our regular customers is someone we call ‘Minority Report Man’ (MRM), for reasons I will now explain. He is often in store and causes staff to run for safety when spotted, leaving some poor soul on the till. He pulls his shopping trolley around harassing staff and customers about aliens and alien abduction, letting us know his views on many topics. One piece of social commentary occurred when he told my assistant manager that he could murder and rape him at the top of a mountain and it would be on Youtube within ten minutes. MRM then pointed at a copy of ‘Minority Report’ on DVD and said “I was in that film!”
The assistant manager responded with “What, Minority Report?”
MRM: “Yeah!”
Assistant Manager: “Minority Report, with Tom Cruise?”
MRM: “Who’s Tom Cruise?”
Customer: “Do you know Jason Orange?”
Shop: “Yes, he is in Take That.”
Customer: “Brilliant, I want to get in touch with him can you give me his address please?”
Shop: “I know who he is but I am not a friend or anything.
Customer: “What about the rest of Take That, do you have their addresses?”
Shop: “No, try contacting their management.”
Customer: “Do you have the managements’ address?”
Shop: “No sorry!”
Customer: “I like Boyzone as well; I don’t suppose you have their contact details do you?”
Shop: “Correct!”
Customer: “This is all rather disappointing!”
'The Vinyl Revival and the Shops That Made it Happen' is Graham Jones new book
.
CE Hudson Chesterfield
One day a customer asked me “Do you have Marsha Cup?” Although I had not heard of Marsha I presumed that she was a soul singer. After checking the soul section where there was no sign of her I looked in the ‘C’ of the rock and pop section but still no luck. “Where did you hear Marsha?” I asked the man.
“Sorry,” he replied, “Marsha Cup is the name of the song. It is the one that goes I’m in love, I’m Marsha Cup!” I replied “I think you will find the lyrics are ‘I’m in love, I’m All Shook Up’ and the song is by Elvis Presley!”
Back in the early 1950s we would post our orders to London. The ordered stock was transported by steam train on Saturday mornings before being transferred by van to the shop to arrive mid-morning. I decided that it would be best to pick up the stock from the railway station when the steam train arrived at 4.30 a.m. I would take a taxi as the shop did not have a van and I didn’t own a car. The reason I did this was that so we could have the stock on the shelf by opening time. In those days every record had to be checked before going on display, as shops suffered a high percentage of breakages. 78s were very brittle and needed to be packed carefully. This would seem obvious but the music industry delivered its product in tea chests packed with straw. The straw came in handy to feed the local horses but was useless at protecting records! I recall one Christmas when the delivery was so big that it hardly fitted in the taxi! The driver was reluctant to set off with so much weight on board but I promised him a big tip if he was prepared to risk it. The tip was much needed by the end of the journey as each time we went over a bump one of the taxi’s wheel hubs flew off.
One gig that had an impact on the town and our shop was the night Engelbert Humperdinck played the Regal Theatre and one of the support acts was Jimi Hendrix. The next day the gig was the talk of the town. Many who attended thought the wild guitarist they had witnessed had ruined the show whilst many others came in to buy records by this new and exciting artist. The agent who put them on the same bill deserved sacking as they went together like bananas and gravy!
Music Box in Wallingford
Sony Records invited me to a showcase evening held in a huge warehouse in London. These events are organised by record companies to highlight new bands they will be promoting over the following year. The evening usually revolves around 3 new bands recently signed to the label playing a few numbers then mingling with the specially invited guests. There is normally a free bar and fabulous food. Guests would receive a goody bag containing advanced copies of forthcoming releases from the bands that have performed. These lucky guests tended to be journalists and record shop owners, the people they were looking to favour and whose help would be needed in championing new bands. This particular night I thought that as a treat I would invite my younger brother to the event.
My brother was thrilled but I laid down some ground rules telling him it was very important that if anybody asked he should tell them that he worked at the Music Box and if anybody from the record company enquired about what he thought of any of the bands he should tell them that they were brilliant. My brother and I arrived at the warehouse and helped ourselves to the free beer. We were soon joined by many of the executives of Sony Music and they all chatted about life in retail. My brother kept a low profile, not contributing, as he did not work in music retail so most of the conversation went over his head. By now there were 8 people standing in a circle talking when a man approached saying “Hey folks, great news! The sofas have arrived!” Seizing the chance to join in on the conversation my brother piped up with. “Fantastic I think their album is brilliant and I am looking forward to seeing them play live!” His comments were met with a stony silence before an executive from Sony said “The sofas are for us all to sit on, the delivery driver is late and that is why we are all standing up!” Needless to say I didn’t take my brother to an industry event again.
Mike Lloyd in Hanley
On my first day, I was shocked to find that every other member of staff disappeared just as a curious old chap with a long white beard arrived at the counter. This was my first encounter with the notorious Sir Alan Maddock.
Sir Alan would come into the store every day, at the same time and ask whether his order had come in (for “Flying Down To Rio” on LP – which, of course, was impossible to order!) and whilst some staff would attempt to make him understand that it was impossible, eventually they would give up and just say that there was nothing in on that day for him so he should try again tomorrow!
Whilst he was there, Sir Alan would then tell us a tale. For instance – he was about to go on a date with Grace Kelly, or Boris Karloff was his uncle and was 8” tall with wooden false teeth. He was once hung, but didn’t die because his legs were so long they touched the floor. He bought a calendar of George Clooney because he thought George was the ‘Earl of Stafford’. He once forgot how to walk between counter and door…I could go on…!
Music Zone Tales
Do you have any “Larry and Hardly” DVDs? (Laurel and Hardy)
Customer: “Hi, I’m after a song I’ve just heard on the radio…”
Shop: “No problem, do you know what it’s called?”
Customer: “Oh… erm… No. I didn’t catch the name of it!”
Shop: “Do you know who it’s by?”
Customer: “No… I missed what the DJ bloke said. I think it’s in the charts.”
Shop: “Hmm, ok. Do you know any of the lyrics? Can you sing a bit of it?”
Customer: “Eeeee! I’m not singing it to you!”
(Awkward pause)
Customer: “I think a man sings it…”
“Do you have a CD by Jamie MacKay please?” After much thought I asked, “Is it Jamiroquai you are looking for?” “Oh no it is definitely Jamie Mackay!” So we put the Jamiroquai CD on and I asked if this was it. “Yes that’s Jamie!” was the reply!
“Have you got that CD by Leslie Miserables?”
Our Price Tales
Customer: “I’m looking for Tom Waits?”
New Staff member: “Sorry he doesn’t work here!”
One Day a guy joined the back of a 30 minute queue in the Brent Cross branch of Our Price. It was a very busy Saturday and he was carrying his full stack system, (turntable, cassette player, speakers, the lot!) When he finally got to the counter looking exhausted and sweating profusely, he managed to breathlessly squeak "Do you have a stylus for this mate?" Poor chap, Our Price didn't even sell styli!
Customer: “Have you got Pale Blue Eyes?”
Shop: “I think they are more green than blue!”
Customer: “No, it’s a song by the Velvet Underground!”
Customer: “I am after a song I heard in the Rose & Crown pub the other night, it was B 2.”
Shop: “Is B 2 the artist or the song?”
Customer: “No, it is B2 which was the number on the jukebox!”
Customer: “I would like my money back on these CDs please”.
Shop: “Why is that Sir?”
Customer: “I don’t like them!”
Shop: “Sorry Sir, company policy is we can only exchange faulty goods”.
Customer: “What kind of store are you? If you brought anything back to my shop that you did not like we would instantly refund your money”.
Shop: “Where do you work Sir?”
Customer: “Marks & Spencer!”
Shop: “Yes but you can’t play jumpers can you?”
A woman came into Our Price in Liverpool asking for ‘Rock Around The Clock’ by Bill Shankly.
Although Liverpool football fans claimed he could walk on water even the great man can’t be credited with being the father of rock ‘n’ roll. The assistant suggested the song was probably by Bill Haley.
Customer: “Do you remember the song ‘Toast’?”
Shop: “Yes, it was a minor hit sung by Paul Young when he was in a group called the Streetband. We don’t have it in stock but I’ll see if I can order it.”
Customer: “I don’t want it, I just think it would be funny if The Jam, Marmalade or Bread did a cover version!”
An old lady approached the counter asking for a refund. She had bought a CD by the band Jesus & Mary Chain thinking it was a religious CD.
Customer: “Do you have the record that people dance to like this?” (He jumps to one side, arms by his sides, then bounces down the gap between the CD racks).
I looked at him dumbfounded before calling over the manager for a second opinion though I just wanted to see the customer jumping around the shop again! He then proceeded to call the assistant manager just so we could witness the now exhausted customer demonstrate it one more time!
Pulse Records
Sometimes sarcasm can be wonderful as proved when a chap of about 50 came in and said he'd heard a song by Bryan something, but he doubted we would have it. He explained that it was a ballad if that was of any help, to which I replied, "Do you mean the one that's been number one for the past sixteen weeks by Bryan Adams called ‘(Everything I do), I do it for you’?”
I had a mature lady who came in holding a piece of paper and asking for an enema for her son, not realising it was pronounced Eminem
I employed some great people but one young girl I had to 'let go' because she had absolutely no idea what she was doing and had no interest in music apart from the top 5.
She filed things in the wrong places and couldn't tell the difference between an LP and a 12" single. I realised that I had made the right decision when someone found the Emerson, Lake and Palmer album ‘Brain Salad Surgery’ bagged up and filed away under
Artist: - Brian Salad
Title: - Surgery
Valhalla in Kilmarnock
Customer: “I heard a song on the radio a few weeks back sung by Elvis Presley and would like to buy it on CD. The only thing is I don’t want the Elvis version I want the original!”
Shop: “Do you know the song?”
Customer: “No”.
Shop: “Who sung the original?”
Customer: “Don’t know”.
Shop: “Do you have any other clues?”
Customer: “No, are you trying to say that you won’t be able to get it?”
“Do you have A Chocolate Orange? It’s a Stanley Kubrick film…”
I was impressed they actually knew it was Stanley Kubrick who made the film they were after, even though they had the easy part wrong.
We noticed people sniggering whilst looking through our CD racks so went to investigate. We had recently asked a new member of staff to make header boards and the one he had made for one of the UK’s most famous female singers read ‘KATES BUSH’.
“I am after the new CD by Snowplay!” (Maybe they are a cooler version of Coldplay)
Customer: “You know the song ‘Is This the Way to Amarillo’?”
Shop: “Yes, by Tony Christie”.
Customer: “Where is it?”
Shop: “All our CDs are filed in alphabetical order so you will find it in the C section but if you follow me I will show you.”
Customer: “No it’s OK I don’t want to buy it, I just wondered where Amarillo is!”
And so on.
One of our regular customers is someone we call ‘Minority Report Man’ (MRM), for reasons I will now explain. He is often in store and causes staff to run for safety when spotted, leaving some poor soul on the till. He pulls his shopping trolley around harassing staff and customers about aliens and alien abduction, letting us know his views on many topics. One piece of social commentary occurred when he told my assistant manager that he could murder and rape him at the top of a mountain and it would be on Youtube within ten minutes. MRM then pointed at a copy of ‘Minority Report’ on DVD and said “I was in that film!”
The assistant manager responded with “What, Minority Report?”
MRM: “Yeah!”
Assistant Manager: “Minority Report, with Tom Cruise?”
MRM: “Who’s Tom Cruise?”
Customer: “Do you know Jason Orange?”
Shop: “Yes, he is in Take That.”
Customer: “Brilliant, I want to get in touch with him can you give me his address please?”
Shop: “I know who he is but I am not a friend or anything.
Customer: “What about the rest of Take That, do you have their addresses?”
Shop: “No, try contacting their management.”
Customer: “Do you have the managements’ address?”
Shop: “No sorry!”
Customer: “I like Boyzone as well; I don’t suppose you have their contact details do you?”
Shop: “Correct!”
Customer: “This is all rather disappointing!”
'The Vinyl Revival and the Shops That Made it Happen' is Graham Jones new book
The books of Graham Jones are
available in record shops or online. The
latest book The Vinyl Revival and the Shops that Made it Happen has been turned
in to a film. It has
just been released on DVD and is available in record shops or online.
Distributed by Proper Music or can be streamed on Vimeo.
Each week I record The Vinyl Revival Record Shop Podcast. It contains lots of funny tales from the crazy world of record retailing. It is also available on Spotify.
Twitter: @Revival_Vinyl
My blog has over 100 features on record shops and vinyl.
grahamjonesvinylrevival.blogspot.com
For film screenings and talks contact Graham.
As the person who has visited more record shops than any other human, I often
get asked my advice on buying turntables. I always say do not purchase a budget
model. What is the point of buying one that costs the price of a few
albums? The sound will not do the recordings justice. For a long time, I have
recommended Rega Turntables as they are superb quality
at great prices. They got more brownie points for sponsoring 'Record Store
Day' and manufacturing limited editions just for record shops.
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